JadeSync

By Jessica KleinFeatures correspondent

Some people need to feel an emotional bond before developing attraction. Many people don't accept this as a sexual orientation — but demisexuals say that’s misguided.

Earlier this year, when then-New York Governor Andrew Cuomo’s daughter, Michaela Kennedy-Cuomo, came out as ‘demisexual’, she was met with public condescension. Many mocked her demisexuality – a lack of sexual attraction to others without a strong emotional connection. Few acknowledged demisexuality as ‘real’.

But although demisexuality isn’t widely known, it’s a sexual orientation like any other, that applies to people across the world.

Demisexuality, which falls on the asexuality spectrum, differs from simply wanting to wait for a deep bond to form before having sex with someone; rather, it’s more akin to the experience of being asexual until that type of connection forms, at which point the sexual attraction extends only to that person. For allosexuals, on the other hand (people who aren’t on the asexual spectrum), waiting to have sex until forming a deep connection is more of a preference, and less of necessity to developing sexual desire.

Kennedy-Cuomo’s announcement did have positive effects, says Kayla Kaszyca, a demisexual co-creator of the podcast Sounds Fake But Okay, in which she and her asexual, aromantic co-host Sarah Costello discuss love, relationships and sexuality on the asexual spectrum. In some cases, Kaszyca says Kennedy-Cuomo’s statement raised the profile of demisexuality, stoking “more discourse about it”.

On the other hand, the broadened discussion also brought detractors and spread misinformation. “I think the word [demisexuality] is definitely more out there and known, but the proper definition might still be unclear to a lot of people,” says 24-year-old Kaszyca.

For instance, many still dismiss demisexuality, insisting it’s ‘normal’ not to be sexually attracted to someone until you form a deeper, emotional connection with them. “Someone might tell you, ‘Isn’t everyone like that?’” 

So, says Kaszyca, “you have to start myth-busting”.

People who identify as demisexual, like Kaszyca and others who share content related to their orientation, are actively working to clarify that definition. It’s an especially tricky task when discussing an orientation that hasn’t even had a name for all that long, and whose definition often confuses people.

But their work is making a difference, and during the past several years, discussion about demisexuality has proliferated on Facebook groups, Instagram posts, Discord servers and among organisations dedicated to the asexual spectrum across the globe.

‘I still didn’t come to terms with it for a really long time’ 

People often trace the origin of the term demisexual to a 2006 Asexual Visibility & Education Network (Aven) forum post. 

“I think it is a word that emerged primarily out of the Aven site and asexual advocates, not necessarily out of academics,” says Anthony Bogaert, a human-sexuality researcher and professor at Brock University in Ontario, Canada, who’s written multiple papers about asexuality. At that time, people on the Aven site were figuring out just how diverse the asexual spectrum could be – new terms began emerging as people who’d previously identified as asexual noted unique circumstances in which they could experience sexual attraction.

“There is a tradition of allowing people with different kinds of identifications and lots of variability to come to the Aven site,” says Bogaert. These people helped move forward the discussion about asexuality by identifying various aspects of the asexual spectrum. In doing so, they offered information that wasn’t available elsewhere on the internet.

However, asexuality was – and still is – more widely discussed than demisexuality. This is in part because the former is easier for people who aren’t asexual to conceptualise. Someone who’s asexual “experiences little to no sexual attraction”, says Kaszyca. “It’s a pretty easy tagline to use.” But adding on top of that “except when they develop a deep emotional connection”, can sometimes leave allosexuals scratching their heads.

Elle Rose, a 28-year-old based in Indiana, US, began identifying as demisexual after describing their sexuality to a friend a few years ago. “She looked at me and was like, ‘Elle, you’re describing demisexuality’,” says Rose. “I still didn't come to terms with it for a really long time.” Fearing the complications to their dating life if they were openly demisexual, Rose often described themselves as ‘pansexual’, leaving out the demisexual identity.

‘People can see themselves represented, finally’

Rose partly attributes dismissive attitudes towards demisexuality in the US to “purity culture”, in which women are at once highly sexualised in the media, but also expected to save themselves for the right person (or marriage, particularly in religious settings). Conceptually, this neatly aligns with abstaining from sex until forming a deep bond with a partner. But this is still ultimately a preference, with which demisexuals don’t identify.

This lack of understanding often breeds loneliness. Cairo Kennedy, a 33-year-old in Saskatchewan, Canada, grew up “not experiencing sexual attraction the same way as my peers, and you kind of feel broken”, she says. “It became this big secret and source of shame.”

When she discovered there was a name for her sexual orientation just a few years ago, she felt “kind of good, but then there was no information”, she says – at least none talking about demisexuality from the perspective of someone with lived experience. There were enough Aven posts for her to read and think, “‘Oh, this is me’, but not so much, ‘Oh, there’s a whole bunch of us’.”

Kennedy decided to fill this gap, starting a “demisexual lifestyle” blog. Through it, many other demisexuals have contacted her – people ranging from teenagers to those in their 50s, who live mostly in the US and Europe. “I was really surprised by how many people seem to relate,” she says. 

“I think the term is more popular because of social media,” says Hawaii-based therapist specialising in human sexuality Janet Brito. She only first heard the term demisexuality during her post-doctoral studies at the University of Minnesota, US, in 2014, “even though it’s describing [a sexual orientation] that’s been around for so long”. Though Brito acknowledges demisexuality spans all age groups, her openly demisexual clients tend to be in their earlier twenties. “They have more exposure to social media,” she says, “[where] it’s more acceptable to talk about this spectrum.” 

That exposure breeds validation. “Social media opens up the door to many other voices that we would have not been exposed to in the past,” she adds. “[People] can see themselves represented, finally.” 

Klaus Roberts, 30, who lives just outside Helsinki, credits the internet for helping him put a name to his orientation about five years ago. “Finland’s a little bit behind in a lot of these things, because we’re a relatively small country,” he says. He’d been identifying as asexual, but meeting people in multi-national LGBTQ+ communities online helped him realise that demisexual described him better. “People who know anything about these terms, it’s easier for them to understand me when I use that.”

‘Understand the nature of sexuality better’ 

When mainstream establishments fail to provide information about a variety of sexual orientations, these online voices become crucial for education.

Kaszyca and co-host Sarah Costello started their podcast while they were undergraduates at the University of Michigan, US, where only their friends listened to support them. Today, their reach has expanded to other English-speaking countries and Europe. Kaszyca estimates Sounds Fake But Okay now gets around 7,000 listeners per week. She adds it’s not only those on the asexual spectrum who tune in – their parents, partners and friends do, too, so they can learn.

“Our episode with the most listens is our ‘Asexuality 101’ episode,” says Kaszyca. “People have said they've sent that to their friends or family after coming out, to help educate them and… ease the education process.”

This education also helps demisexuals navigate other parts of society, like dating. For example, Kaszyca says apps have made dating while demisexual easier, because you can include your orientation in your dating profile. This avoids an otherwise heavy first date conversation. “A first date is supposed to be casual,” she says, “then you’re like, ‘hey, let’s have an in-depth conversation about my identity, and I’m probably going to have to teach you what it is because demisexuality is so unknown’.”

Overall, talking and learning about the “the variability that exists in the broader asexual community”, says researcher Bogaert, is crucial to avoiding the alienation of sexual minorities. But it’s also crucial because “it allows us to understand the nature of sexuality better” as a whole.

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